Another Thanksgiving looms, and with it the inevitable realization that the holidays are officially here again.
For me, this time of year is a mixed emotional bag. On the one hand, I'm always glad to be able to spend time with my family and to connect with them in places that do not revolve around work or my parents' ongoing house remodel. I relish the chance to play with my nieces and nephews, as it seems I get to see them in ever-increasing infrequency as time goes by. I love my family, and love being around them.
On the other hand, this time of year is overwhelmingly populated with subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that I'm continuing to miss out on many of the important life milestones that mark almost everyone else's lives. I have no children to watch re-connect with their cousins. No spouse to bicker with at the dinner table. And the presence of my parents and siblings and their families are a constant, nagging reminder of the areas in my life where I'm missing out. And as the season progresses, I become increasingly down, stuck dwelling in dark places in my mind.
This time of year puts a huge magnifying glass on my loneliness. It highlights the ineffectiveness of my attempts to resolve that issue in my life. And it brings along generous side helpings of jealously, bitterness, anger, and guilt. Most of the year, I'm relatively happy, even joyous in my solitude. I'm doing well for myself, and the lack of additional familial responsibilities allows me to indulge whims easily. But the holidays just serve me a constant barrage of reminders of the little things I wish were mine; the caress of a mate, the sound of children at play, a reassurance of a legacy that will carry on after I'm gone. There are times where I'd trade away all of the other blessings I have for the briefest taste of could-have-been. The times when I've thought about ending things, have all been near the holidays.
Relax, I've long realized there is no way I'd follow through with the idea, but my thoughts stray in those directions on occasion, at this time of year. I can't seem to help it.
It's just difficult feeling so very unwanted with so much familial joy occurring around me.
